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Only Children – a blessing or a problem?

Only children are, in contrast to 10 or more years ago, on the increase. Preschool teachers report that the number of only children is growing. Some schools indicated that only children are as many as 50% of the children in the preschool. The question we need to ask ourselves is whether there is any significance in the fact that one-child families are increasing. Should we attach any meaning to this fact and how does the status of being an only child affect these children?

Thirty years ago, an only child was considered to be at a serious disadvantage. It was said by eminent researchers like Hurlock in her definitive work “Child psychology”, that only children were at risk to be spoiled and socially maladjusted. For families to have only one child was considered decidedly selfish.

Today our view of the position of only children has changed considerably. Society has changed considerably. Probably the most significant change for the average middle class family was the position of women. We do not have reliable estimates on the number of mothers working in South Africa but preschools report that few mothers still stay at home. The average middle-class family is a two-income family. Women move out into the market place taking their place alongside men, working long hours. Professional women tend to delay having their children and when they do have children, they often feel one is enough. Few of these mothers plan to stay at home. The longest period of time they can afford to stay away from work is between 6 weeks and 4 months. A few mothers are in a position to work flexi-time but most just cannot afford to stay at home. Being a full-time mother is not considered viable anymore.

All mothers, whether they consciously acknowledge this or defend themselves or not, have feelings of guilt placing their babies and toddlers in care. Although society has changed and the role of women has changed, at the route of our guilt lies an age-old perception that “good” mothers stay at home and look after their own children. The phenomenon of the working, professional woman has not been around long enough to change the perceptions in our minds; thus, the reason for our feelings of guilt.

Guilt is never a good bedfellow for positive relationships. The middle-class only child family usually has enough material possessions and money to allay their inevitable feelings of guilt over their only children. Children with their uncanny ability to determine their parents’ soft under-belly manipulate these feelings of guilt to their advantage. All children do it; it is normal. It is how we as parents react to the manipulation that makes the difference.

Consider this true picture: ...On 30 January 2001, I am standing in a Supermarket queue. Behind me a father and a young boy, more or less 8 years old is waiting in the same queue. Mother is still shopping in the supermarket. The father accidentally pushes the trolley against the legs of the little boy. He complains but not too much and the incident is over quickly. About 5 minutes later the mother returns and immediately the little boy starts whining about his father hurting him. He kicks up so much fuss that mother starts promising him anything he wants to eat. Chocolate? No. Biltong? No. What he really wants is his mother and father to feel guilty.

I do not know if this child was an only child; if he was not, he gave a very good, classic performance of how to make your parents squirm. The problem with only children is not that they are only children; the problem is how we as parents react to this situation. The situation is further complicated by the fact that we live in a permissive society. There is a general rebellion against “control”. In this regard Katz & McClellan (1997:13) says: ...The research ... on parenting styles suggest that children’s overall competence, including social competence, benefits from authoritative rather than permissive or authoritarian parenting. They continue and explain that authoritative parenting in the preschool years, characterised by ...high nurturance and high control... as well as emotional warmth and good communication, produce children that is high in confidence and social skills that take these preschool children successfully into their teens and beyond.

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